For the first time in years I had to use Narcan. The person who had it is the probably single handling the most amazing strong woman and now our friendship will never be the same. I did that the same way I do every time when people try to love me. I know if they see this horrible dark side the bipolar addict with no self control they will just give up and it’s to save them from me. I’m self destructive, selfish, angry and in so much fucking pain I turn to the only thing I know. Hurting her feels worse than the overdose.
I interviewed her for a piece I was writing on loving someone like me before I fucked this up. She has so much going on in her but again selfish me had to fuck it up. She told me I was worth it and I thought I was but not so much anymore.
When someone you love and protected decided to end their life and as much as you thought you could protect them and loving them was enough even from a distance. The person you almost gave your life to protect dies by suicide it crushes your world. No matter the amount of effort I put in to making them understand we made it and our lives go in theirs couldn’t. It happened so fast opiates and a 9 mm normally does it. I’ll always be their sister and I’ll always love them and eventually I’ll let myself feel the grief and understand that they were past being saved but I’m not. I wanted to share her perspective from our interview even if I didn’t finish it. I broke her heart, lied and scared the shit out of her but I was never scared. I crushed them added them to my water, dry swallowed but I lied to her because I ultimately couldn’t handle the disappointment on her face. She said she needs time and I get it but I know what that means. The same thing it means for everyone else. It’s an evaluation of our friendship is worth it and sadly I know the answer. I can pray for a different answer but I will respect her wishes as long as she still loves my daughter the same. She has nothing to do with this.
Today I feel absolute trash for so many reasons. The way Narcan drains your throat. I know you need time and know that no matter how much it hurts I’ll respect your decision and me when I’m clear headed respects boundaries not that person I became yesterday. I’ve watched so much of her fall apart and her strength is something I’m so envious of because I don’t think I could handle it the way she has. When I think about all the pictures and good things it just tears me apart. I wanted to push her away I got my wish. When I’m able to I’ll publish our conversation.
I didn’t want to die I really didn’t I just wanted all this pain in my heart to stop. Everyone can tell me it isn’t my fault and I shouldn’t have guilt until they are blue in the face but it’s hard when you didn’t sit there and watch or was apart of this horrific time in my life so I get resentment towards people who just tell me to let it go when for 20 years it’s all I knew. Yes they are right and it’s past time to be free from it but it’s not as easy I as I wanted it to be especially since I lost one so closely then he got sick and it’s a mess but again the one person I had is gone now.
I’m going to feel like pure death this weekend and that’s no one’s fault but mine. So if you do decide to read this. I don’t know what else to say but I fucked up. I mean really fucked up and you are the only person I can count on and I pushed you away and ruined everything. Just promise no matter what my daughter won’t be affected she adores you.
♥️🖕🏻
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 