Hiding my depression is exhausting

Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case.  I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand? 

 

19%

I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.

Sorry I’ve been MIA mood swings are a bitch and I am a bit manic at the moment. (This is not part of my daily journal entries.)

I’ve limited myself some to social media also my blog and it is so I don’t irritate everything a little more. The man is back and as I write about him in my journal I draw him as I see him. I did talk about how he looks like slenderman but he doesn’t start that way he grows and depending on how bad things are going he grows quickly and changes shapes which is what he is doing right now. I talked to Tater who thinks I am a bit manic right now, but I don’t think I am. I think the man just wants to come out and scare me. I’ve started watching him not on purpose but he manages to catch my eye and keep my attention. I realize how this sounds as I write it but I don’t know how else to explain what he is doing. I am trying really hard to get through this and I don’t know what to do anymore. Medicine doesn’t make him stop only I can make him stop I think. If I could just focus my mind maybe he will go away. It is the only thing I know. I will call my psychiatrist who will tell me to come see him and we will talk about not giving in and ways to ignore him and how medicine won’t do any good then he will bring up if the man is talking to me inpatient. NO ONE WANTS INPATIENT!!!!! I have to learn how to control him. I have to take control of my illness and especially him.

I am also dealing with the lows and agitation. That is one of the harder parts then the man. I have to be around people who tell me how horrible their life is and how I could never understand what they are going through and that mine is nowhere near as bad as them. I try to never say that to anyone because I know just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there but I hate when people say it to me. I am also limited on talking about it since it makes certain people uncomfortable. There are so many things wrong with my illness and depending where I am it limits my conversations. I know it shouldn’t be that way but it is. I am so tired but I am always tired and the lows suck. I just want to be home sleeping in my bed. I will try to keep you updated with everything as much as I can. Thank you so much for your love time and patience.

Therapy update

That was the weirdest most uncomfortable therapy session I’ve had and I dealt with 8 hours of group therapy during an involuntary psych hold.

Lets start with the fact that I tried to be a little optimistic and wanted her to wait and see the non showering, no makeup, same clothes for days, greasy hair and not sure when the last time I brushed my teeth for the 2nd or 3rd visit like a normal person would. I got up brushed my teeth, hair put on makeup, changed clothes (even tried to make sure they matched) and left the house a few minutes later than  I wanted to, but it wasn’t a big deal then half way there I get pulled over for following to close to a cop car and that took forever then my car stalls on the way there. These are signs to me that this trip should not happen but I continued on like a brave warrior.Then I got to the building…..

When I got to the building I should’ve run the other direction. It was this rundown shopping center with this disgusting old flower shop that was barely hanging together and she was on the side of the building so I walked along the edge and knocked on this door and this older woman unlocked the door and let me in she then guided me down this half finished hallway to a small office. I texted Wayne at this point letting him know where I was in case things got shady. I walked into this dim lit room and she handed me a bunch of papers (see below) that I filled out while she asked the normal bullshit psych questions. She was very odd and I couldn’t make heads or tales of her. She kept asking what do you want to tell me and every time I started she stopped me mid sentence so I said fuck it I’m done talking. She lost my drivers license and we spent more time looking for it then we did talking. It was not a good experience and I will not go back. Le sigh I will I will start the search all over again.